the condom got lost in my hair
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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