I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
