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new low.... made out with someone while peeing
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
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