Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
