I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
