Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
