yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
