i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
