How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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