dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
