Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
My vagina just recognized that song.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
