I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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