Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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