I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Still dying that you shit outside
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
