Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
