Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
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