tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize