i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
