I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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