Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
