well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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