I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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