She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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