I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
