the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
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