I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
