I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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