He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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