How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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