just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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