I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
