Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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