Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
