Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
