I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
