I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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