I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Randomize
