I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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