You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
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