i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I have fence marks all over my body
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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