Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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