my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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