my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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