so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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