so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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