how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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