That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
