I'm gonna have a badass scar
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize