peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
