Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
