It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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