i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
