jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
