Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
