I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
All the doctor said was why
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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