The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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