I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
