U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
