how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
