Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
